Dear Reader,
Tomatoes taught me a valuable lesson about both boundaries and quality time. Quality time is a love language with an interesting twist. Although it is a form of communication that fills an individual’s emotional tank through spending time with others, I have come to realize that these individuals also enjoy their alone time just as equally. Quality time is not my natural love language, however, many of my family and friends communicate through quality time. I have found it easy to adapt to spending time with them but am often thrown for a loop when they need their alone time. Recognizing these boundaries is tricky but important to be aware of. Respecting a loved one’s boundaries is another form of communication and love. I learned this particular lesson through my Mom. The memory that demonstrates this lesson the best is when she made tomato preserves for her sauces every August.
Solitude in her kitchen
Each August my mother would spend hours boiling and straining tomatoes to create preserves to last the year. In this month tomatoes are at their prime and have the perfect balance of a salty and sweet taste. I would fondly watch my Mom come in the door with bags of tomatoes which she would wash, cut, boil, and strain. She repeated her process dozens of times with a constant smile on her face. The local farms knew her so well that they would call her to advise that a new batch was ready. Once a batch was sealed, they went into the second freezer for future sauces in the coming months. (This second freezer was my Mom’s pride and joy and the equivalent to the satellite dish my Dad pined for!)
Realization of a boundary
As I boiled my own tomatoes this year, I can’t help but reminisce on the fact that my Mom enjoyed doing this task alone. She loved to be loved through quality time and was always inviting people over. Her favorite thing in the world was to host family gatherings and have the house filled with laughter. However, making her preserves she enjoyed her solitude and did not make a gesture for myself or my siblings to join her.
Importance of respecting boundaries
As a child as well as an adult, I have struggled with this concept. “If you seek love through quality time, why do you not want me to spend time with you?” In my healing process I have realized that we all have boundaries and there is a flip side to every situation. My Mom’s solitude in her cooking was a form of meditation for her and a healthy action for her heart and soul. Loving someone is respecting their boundaries and understanding their needs.
This memory of Mom reminds me that boundaries are a work in progress and making the effort to understand each other allows us to get closer to one another. There is no doubt in my mind that my Mom is busy boiling her tomatoes now with a radiant smile on her face. Once she gets her fill of solitude, she will invite her family and friends over for a gathering of quality time with a meal she cooked from her heart.
Love Always,
Kristina Lucia xoxo